She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
