He passed out mid-signature
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
