It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
