She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
