remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
