Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
