Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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