just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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