I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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