Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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