Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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