I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
