Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
