I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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