Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize