You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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