I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize