dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
