The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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