the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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