Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think people are normalizing furries
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