i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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