Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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