All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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