I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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