I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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