It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
