Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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