Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
