dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
