The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
