literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize