Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
