don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
