I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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