remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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