I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have aggressive nipples.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
