I have demons in me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize