My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
