You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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