OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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