so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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