I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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