Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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