I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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