totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
