I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
