I think I died a long time ago.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
