I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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