kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
