so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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