If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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