i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
