I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
