soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize