he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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