Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
