I looked at my own cervix.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
