Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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