Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
