Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
