even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
