She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
